NICU and Recovery

I am angry and hostile feeling. I want my baby to be okay. I am mad that things took such a sudden and dangerous turn for him. He was totally healthy - a good weight, formed perfectly. The actual birthing process is what almost killed him. I regret being induced. I should have opted for a C-section, but I wasn't given the choice and was told that the birth would be routine. I want to be mad at the hospital, the doctors, the nurses. Someone has to be responsible for my sweet little one having to battle his way into this earth.



I am off of the heavy pain killers and we start making visits to the NICU. He is a beautiful baby, but he looks sad hooked up to all the equipment. We get to hold him and it doesn't feel real. He is just beautiful. He feels so powerful in my arms, but yet he is so helpless. He is eating good and has a very good suck reflex. Now I try to pump in the hospital room, but I'm so stressed out that I have trouble. We try to breast feed him in the NICU and he has trouble latching on to my big nipples. I am mortified that I won't be able to feed him.



I am discharged. Abbie and I go home, with an empty car seat in the back of the Highlander. It is a sad drive. I hate leaving my baby behind. I am totally in the throes of PPD and things just aren't making sense, but I am surviving. I am given a nipple protector to help get John Campbell latched on. It is a fake nipple that goes over mine. I call it my Fipple...lol.

Just 5 days after being born, John Campbell gets to come home!!! He does well in his car seat test and maintains his temperature. We get him and bring him home. We are so scared, we just want to get to the apartment, get him in, and shut out the world for a while.