Family Blooms

Sunday, January 10, 2010
Hannibal Lecter and Parenting

What could those two possibly have in common? As it turns out, a few things. As a new parent, my then toddler would push all my buttons, stretch me to my limits of sanity and make me crazy - all the while having the best time of his life. He would embarrass me in public and dare me to retaliate. In fact, he was daring me to parent. I didn’t know what to do. I tried the fake nice voice, pleading with him to be good. No chance. I would threaten to do something…then threaten again…and then again, but never did what I threatened. He had me and he knew it.

Then, one day while shopping a toy store with a friend, I witnessed a mom taking the bull by the horns. One of her daughters refused to follow the rules. She warned once, then warned and said they would leave if the sweet little girl didn’t comply. Less than 10 minutes later, my friend approached me and apologized, saying that they had to leave. She wasn’t upset, she wasn’t even rattled. Nerves of steel. Her daughters (including the one who had broken the rule) were all sad, but they understood that it was over. They were leaving. They left without drama and I learned a huge lesson.

I looked at my own toddler, who I lived in fear of at times, and thought to myself, “I’ve got you now. Your butt is mine.” Our biggest row occurred when we were leaving the park, or the toy area of the book store - where the train table was out and full of trains. The phrase “time to go” would always start WW-III.

The scenario was this - my sweet little one of playing, behaving reasonably well. I give him the 5 minute warning, but this time add that if he doesn’t act nicely we will have to leave the store without looking at the books (which he also loves to do). He looks at me like he could care less. He’s got his plan in place. He knows what works. Pitch a fit, mortify the mother, get my way. The next 5 minutes pass in nanoseconds.

Then it happens. I hear the voice, “Hello Clarice…” and remember how Dr. Lecter’s heart rate never went up when he savagely attacked. I had to be serial-killer calm. I remember the look that the Grinch gives Max before he forces the antlers on his head. I see Scarlett as she enters the party alone, in that jarring red gown. One of my eyebrows actually arches up. If you can’t be fearless, you fake fearless. I smile and tell my son that it is time to go. He screws his face up and starts to wail. He holds on to the table as his knees give out and he sinks to the floor “boneless”, writhing in the pain I’ve inflicted on him. I walk over, calmly tell him that we are leaving, to say bye-bye trains. I pick him up and we start to exit. He takes his fit to new levels, screeching and screaming like a wild animal. Then he realizes we are not going to look at books and starts in with “book! book! book!!!!!!” I tell him no, that we cannot look at books if he pitches a fit at the train table. I look him in the eye and say “no fit”. More wailing, and this time instead of being boneless, he is stiff as a board yet still able to thrash around in my arms. It reminds me of an alligator trying to take me down in a death roll. But not this time. I keep an iron grip and we walk out of the store. People turn and stare but I pretend not to see them. I have a smile on my face, I hold my head up high.

When we get in the car I explain to him again what has happened and how his actions have changed events. It only takes two more outings before he gets it…she’s serious. I had to learn to do what Lecter was so very good at - outwit someone mentally when they think they are outwitting you. Stay calm and stay the course. Of course, my victory is over a 2 year old, not a CIA agent. But still, I feel victorious. It is a good parenting day. It won’t be the last time a toddler or preschooler gets the best of me, but it will never be the end of the world either. I’ll live to parent another day.

2009eastergrump1 eyesjw1

While not exactly menacing, these intense looks can be just the start of a battle.
Posted by moma4faith in 14:07:26 | Permalink | No Comments »